


When I Was a Child...

by BrightBlueInk



Category: Chrno Crusade
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Guilt, One Shot, Post-Canon, Religious Content, Scraps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 17:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightBlueInk/pseuds/BrightBlueInk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua thinks on part of a verse he's heard and questions how he's been told to think about his past. A short character study I quickly wrote for the fun of it. Post-manga (spoilers). Could be Aion/Joshua if you squint but not necessarily meant to be shippy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Was a Child...

“When I was a child…I thought as a child.”

But that doesn’t soothe my guilt.

That verse always jumps out at me, whether I hear it from a Sister scolding a younger member of the Order or in a sermon on serving others. I have a vague idea that the passage means, something about tempering religious faith with love for others, that even signs and miracles have no meaning without it. But whenever I hear it, my mind zeroes in on that verse and it rolls around in my head like an accusation.

Yes, I was a child. A child fooled by a man, a demon with a silver tongue full of empty promises. He tricked me, made me believe that with my powers he could fix the ills of the world. I can’t blame myself for not having the maturity and adult understanding to see through his lies, or so they tell me.

But I know better. Yes, I thought like a child. I thought like a self-centered brat, so obsessed with my own weakness and failings and self-pity that I readily accepted a deal I knew was too good to be true. I took the horns willingly and kept them just as willingly, even though I could see through the fog in my mind how it was changing me for the worse. And so I leached off of everyone around me, demanding they serve me, calling myself strong while riding on the backs of others.

Aion never lied to me. All he did was give me knowledge. He never once forced me to stay. I followed him willingly because I loved him, because I thought he was the hero I wanted to be. Even now, I struggle to see him as a villain. We shared the same dream, and now we share the same guilt.

The guilt that I’m reminded of when I worry we’ll run out of food when the line of people waiting to be fed stretches farther than I can see.

The guilt I’m reminded of when Azmaria flinches at the sound of an organ, then hesitantly glances over at me to make sure I didn't notice.

The guilt I’m reminded of when I find a tangled yellow ribbon in my sister’s drawer.

The guilt I’m reminded of when my argument with Rosette is interrupted by her coughing fit.

“When I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Maybe what that means for me is to reject the excuses given to me by the Order, to stop blaming a broken man and instead remember that the one that put those horns on my head was me.

**Author's Note:**

> The short, rather out-of-context Bible verse is from 1st Corinthians 13, KJV (because I wasn't sure what translation would be used in the 1920s--and particularly the Order, since their denomination is unclear--but it's an old standby). 
> 
> Although Joshua's yanking a short phrase from the passage out-of-context in a fit of guilt and doubt, as a former Apostle and current Order member the full chapter is applicable to him in other ways. If you're curious you can read the full chapter (in a more modern and easy-to-read translation) here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%2013&version=ESV


End file.
